The Half-way Mark

9/11/01
I have now lived half of my life remembering this tragedy year after year. I was only 13 when I watched the second plane crash on national television in my middle school. I couldn't stop watching, yet I didn't really know, couldn't comprehend the vastness of the loss. I had no idea of the political climate, of the events leading up to that horrible day, until the 10 year anniversary specials came on TV in 2011. It was the difference between seeing it through the lens of a child and the reality of adulthood.

Now, married to a firefighter, I see it in an even sharper light. I cannot help putting my husband in the place of those who fearlessly risked their lives to save so many. Those heroes, who would probably tell you they were just doing their job, if they could. My heart goes out to the families of those men and women who will never have them back. Who watched through tears, knowing their loved ones were inside those buildings by choice and occupation, helping and saving as many as they could, going higher and higher toward danger as other might flee from it. The certainty of their death. The agony of the waiting. I can't think of it except through tears.

Now, I must remember the time just days after this tragedy; how this grand country came together in a time of extreme trouble, forgetting the vast differences that can cause separation, and focusing on what is most important: our lives and our freedom. For their sakes, for all those who risked and lost those two things most important on that fateful day, we MUST remember what unites us. We cannot allow this country to be destroyed from within. How short our memories are, if after only 13 years we forget the unity that bound us together in LOVE; in respect for those who laid their lives down for ours. Let us not forget: our military service members do the same thing for us EVERY DAY. Firefighters, police, go out EVERY DAY for the safety of this country, for its citizen's freedom, for their lives. Do not let this day go by in vain. Do not just remember the act of terror met out on this country. Remember the men and women who charged into the smoke and ash and flames for the lives of those within. Remember the UNITED States of America in the days that followed. Remember and change today because of their sacrifice.

Thank you is not enough, but it is all I have to give.
Husband, thank you and your firefighting brothers for being protectors of our city.
Brian S. and so many others, thank you for protecting this great and wonderful country and all of our lives and all of our freedoms with your service.
Aubrey K. and the others in the police force, thank you for guarding and correcting and keeping our cities safe.

Service: the occupation or function of serving <in active service>

b :  employment as a servant <entered his service>

2

a :  the work performed by one that serves <good service>

b :  help, use, benefit <glad to be of service>

c :  contribution to the welfare of others

d :  disposal for use <I'm entirely at your service>

4

:  the act of serving: as

a :  a helpful act <did him a service>

b :  useful labor that does not produce a tangible commodity —usually used in plural <charge for professional services>

(Miriam-Webster Dictionary online)

Love to you all,

Bianca

5 Reasons I Love My Husband More Than Ever Through Infertility

Remember way back in the spring, when I made a promise to share what was real in my life? This is the post that has had me shaking in my boots ever since. We got some very difficult and life changing news after trying unsuccessfully to start our family the "normal" way almost a year ago. We got the infertility verdict. We got the heart-wrenching test results from one and the normal test results from the other. It's been a total roller coaster, and it hasn't been easy at all. Not one thought process since that news has been an easy one! The road ahead is a jumbled mess and we're trying to find the string that will lead us through the maze. I want to take a moment to praise Husband for these 5 ways that he's made me fall in love with him even more through this trying time. I have not been easy to love, but he's rocking at showing me he does. 

1. He lets me grieve.

Husband had some events in his past that had him thinking about fertility issues for most of his adult life. Whether the Lord was preparing him along the way, I don't know, but his results were just a confirmation of something he'd already made his peace with. For me, this was a complete shock, probably because I was convinced that if something was "wrong", it was with me. I felt completely blindsided when his test results, that I had written off as something to rule out, came back severe. I have gone through every step of the grieving process in these last months: shock, denial, guilt, blame, depression, turning the corner, and the road to acceptance, and he has let me feel them all. He doesn't always "get it", the mourning for pregnancy; that never feeling our child grow inside me is such a heavy loss... but he understands as a husband can that his wife is hurting and has been an amazing support for me in my weakness. 

2. It doesn't define him.

One of the first things I did when confronted with this roadblock was to try and learn everything I could about it. Generally, I discovered that about 1 in 10 couples have fertility issues, and of them it's about a 3-way split between female factor, male factor, or both. I got a LOT of hits for women dealing with their own infertility, and a few hits in the both category, but barely any for male factor. Most of the things I came across were explanations about why there was so little discussion about male factor infertility: that men don't want to talk about it because it affects their manhood. I felt so backed into a corner! I didn't want to discuss anything that would make Husband feel like less of a man, but we NEEDED to discuss this! One of the first serious conversations we had, Husband told me, "This is just a roadblock for future children. This isn't what defines me as a man." I love him for that. It DOESN'T define him and it doesn't change the fact that he's who I'd choose over and over if I had to choose again. There is nothing wrong with him. There is no fault with him. He's the perfect man for me, God's chosen, and I'm reminded of all the ways he's my better half daily. 

3. He's okay being open about it. 

One of the reasons I'm writing this is because there's so few resources out there for couples dealing with MFI and we need support! For most of you readers, this news is a shock to you, too. We've only told the people in our tiniest, most inner of inner circles (aka family and our weekly community group) because it's hard to share. We're at that stage of life and marriage where anytime we say we have something to tell them, people ask, "Are you pregnant?!?!" That's a very hard question to confront right now, especially when the bitterness in my heart wants to say, "No, we're not pregnant, and we won't be pregnant unless God performs a miracle!" Thankfully, we had the wisdom from the Lord NOT to answer that way, but it was on the tip of the tongue more than once. Our path from this point on is going to look very different than the other 9 couples in that statistic I named earlier, whether God desires us to be parents or wants us to do something else with our adult lives. It's going to look different. It's going to BE different. We're a team and we're going through this together. He knows I need support and not only gives it freely, but opens me up to a world of support that I can embrace instead of feeling isolated from. 

4. It's always been about me and him and it still is.

Early in our marriage, and maybe even in our pre-marital counseling, we got advice from several couples older and much wiser than we are to make sure to remember that we're husband and wife first. Anything else that happens, especially children, we have to keep that fact in our minds. I've had a hard time with this, as I felt a hole in my heart when I realized pregnancy wasn't in my grasp after I'd come so close to holding it in my hands. In my grief, suddenly "just being married" wasn't enough. I'd wanted the "baby makes three" part of the natural progression of married life. My Husband pursued me through the grief. He pursues me through bitterness. He points me back to God. He has reminded me with his love that before any other title, I am Wife. He encourages me that I may still be a mother, if it's in God's plan. But if not, God is still good, and we are still married. We've felt the strain from this sore wanting to fester between us. Husband has held my hand as the Lord cleanses the wound. He will always be there to hold my hand in the hard times. 

5. We move forward together.

There have been painful, heart sore, angry conversations over the past few months. There have also been some of the most amazing, reassuring, encouraging, wonderful conversations we've ever had. Husband has shown me time and again the meaning of trust and faith in God when he says, "I've just given it to Him. I don't worry about it, because I know He works miracles. We'll either have a miracle pregnancy, or he'll bring us someone else's miracle to adopt." He knows that I need to hear that right now. But what he's shown me further is that even if neither of those things happen, God's plan is still sovereign for our lives. Through his tender love of me, he's turned my eyes toward the One with the answers. I don't know if we'll ever be parents. I don't know if that's what the Lord wants for us because I don't know what the future holds. Does anyone?? =) What we do know is that we are a team, a united front, one. Whatever we decide or the Lord reveals, we do it 100% together. He holds my hand and I cling to his and we walk toward the Light of Love together. 

I'm frightened and excited and terrified to publish this post. I know some people won't know how to react. There's a very helpful website that I've turned to time and again that you can go to here if you want to learn more. For now, we're processing through this together. We've made no plans yet because big decisions are best left for level-headed times and we're still reeling. We're trusting God and loving each other and plunging into the years of pregnancy announcements and birth announcements and heartache and joy and all the rest. We rejoice and we mourn. To everything there is a season (Ecc 3:1). Love conquers all (1Cor 13). 

Thanks for taking the time to read this beginning of a God-written story!

Lots of love,

Bianca