Hello, dear ones.
I know it's been awhile.
There's been so many times I've wanted to write or felt like I should and either didn't or couldn't. I have four or five drafts of various posts that will never be published. I didn't know how to go forward with all I've been feeling.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. There are a lot of things going around my Facebook news feed. Some of them feel like a virtual warm hug of understanding. Some of them feel like a knife in my heart. It's hard not to take everything personally, but I'm learning.
It's been almost a year since we found out and in some ways it gets easier and in some ways it is more difficult. I'll try to communicate what I've been learning and feeling better in the future.
Let me say, it's a daily adjustment. I think about our infertility every day. At first it was sad and hurtful every day. Now, it can just be a passing thought, a wondering. I still cry. I still ask God a lot of questions. My husband holds me and I can't stop him from feeling like there's nothing he can do. I need to say that before I say what's next, because I don't want anyone out there to think it's easy. I don't want anything to believe that my hurt has ended. I also don't want anyone to believe that it consumes me. It is a struggle, but I've learned to struggle.
1. Baby showers have been very, very difficult this year. I'm so sorry if I missed yours. There comes a point when I realize that sitting in a room with a lot of mothers or moms-to-be or hopeful newlyweds will be unbearable if I have a breakdown. Just like any traumatic or life-altering experience, there are triggers that will bring you right back to that first moment of realization. Baby showers have been that for me. Facebook pregnancy and birth announcements can be cried over at home with a cup of tea and my husband's hand to hold. I've not been able to pump myself up enough to risk falling apart in front of a lot of people who don't know me or what I'm going through.
2. This sadness doesn't mean that my "Congratulations!" or "I'm so happy for you!" aren't genuine. Not by any means. If I'm saying it to you, I mean it, From the bottom of my heart. There are times to rejoice and times to mourn. It becomes easier to rejoice with you when I'm giving my heart to the Lord. It becomes easier to mourn when I look around me at what I can't have. When I hold your newborn baby and cry, it's with both a heart full of joy and a heart full of pain. But because of Jesus, the joy outweighs the pain more these days. That brings me to
3. I am a weak and wretched sinner, saved by grace through Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for my sins. I walk with him daily and very imperfectly. My "hard days" are fewer and further between since I realized what the true pain was. It was coveting. Jealousy comes from coveting what I can't have. Joy is coming from realizing what I do have. I have a lot of children and babies in my life and coming into my life. They're being born to their mothers and fathers, but I get to take part in that. Because I live in community with my fellow believers, they bear my burdens and multiply my joys. Husband and I are able to be part of their children's lives and love them in a way that's unique to us. My heart melted as I looked over at Husband at our friend's house the other night. He sat on the couch with a 4-year-old in his lap, a 5-year old at his side and a 2-and-a-half year old near his shoulder, all of them giggling as he took turns tickling each of them. When I see him hold our friend's newborn, I thank the Lord for the opportunity to love their children and also be there for them when they're in need. Because of Jesus, I can talk to my friend with children and confess to her that sometimes I do get jealous of her life, even as she confesses to me that she is sometimes jealous of my life, and we can love and forgive each other. We can do this together. A friend of my parent's who understands exactly what I'm going through because she went through it, too, told me about the joys of opening my eyes to all the children God has given me and Husband through others. I appreciate that so much more when I realize
4. Isolation is always the tool of the enemy. I always feel worst about infertility when I feel alone. Left out. Left behind. It's awkward to be open with people. It's awkward when people know what Husband and I are dealing with and still don't know what to say to me. It's okay. It's all totally okay. It's awkward to live life close to other people. When someone says something hurtful unknowingly, there is grace and forgiveness there. When I am having a jealous day, there is grace and forgiveness extended to me. The best thing I can do is remind myself that it is not all about me. It is about living life as "us", as the body of Christ. That it is ultimately about Christ and what He did. My sacrifice and pain is nothing, nothing compared to His. I can live in the freedom that that knowledge brings instead of the slavery of what I don't have.
It's a difficult road to walk and I fail as much as I succeed. It's never "two steps forward, one step back" with Jesus, though. It's always that He walked the path for me, perfectly, because I never could. So in short, (or not so short!) I'm not bitter about infertility. I can't be bitter about it. Bitterness is another way to covet. I'm hopeful, so hopeful for the future. I don't know what the future holds at all, but that's where I have to be so I can fully trust in God's plan and not rely on my own. My hope is in Him. I don't know why, but I may never know why. I also don't need to know why. I just need Him. Mother's Day may be a trigger, but it's a way to communicate, not to isolate. It's an opportunity to allow others to understand and to bring understanding to me. It's also an understanding that I am responsible for my own feelings and actions.
I choose joy.
I choose celebration.
I choose to see all the blessings God has given.
I choose to share it all and hope to be shared with.
I choose love!
Thanks for taking a few moments.
Bianca
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
It's a Long Story: How We Met, For Real (pt.1)
With our third wedding anniversary coming up (tomorrow!) I'm feeling so very nostalgic. I probably get this way every year, but this year especially, I'm remembering little things from the very beginning. For the first time, I want to write it down for my own sake - my perspective, feelings, mindset, etc. so that I don't forget.
Our story is a unique one, and with our unique story, there's a level of fear that comes with it. Very rarely have we shared the full version when telling "How We Met". To me, it is an amazing, wonderful fairy tale of two people drawn together by God for a greater purpose, and I'm ready to tell it. =)
It all started 8 years ago. I just had to do the math and boggled myself! I was 18, graduated from high school, gearing up to go to college. I had a health history a mile long and a list of indoor hobbies and activities to match, including a game website that no longer exists. It was a simple game site - seriously, the games consisted of things like memory, cannons, checkers, chess, pool, etc. There was a chat option that I rarely used (warnings from my father strongly rooted in my brain), and then usually used it for things like "GG (good game), 1 more? if I felt I had a good opponent. One evening, my sister asked me to babysit my niece so she could go out, and after my niece was all tucked up in bed, I passed the time playing these games. Early in my playing, I got a request from someone to play and accepted, though I don't know why, because I think it was for pool and I'm wretched at pool, whether electronic or not. I warned said person via chat that I was a novice and instead of being a jerk about it, said person went on to give me pointers at various key moments in the game. I still lost, but it was a good experience. At my loss, said person offered that the next game would be better, did I want to try again? So we rematched, more advice ensued, another loss, another rematch. Eventually the advice turned into innocent chat, the chat to banter as the games changed in my favor. Winner challenged the losing player to whatever game they wanted and we each complained when the other played to their personal strengths, but it was all lighthearted and terribly fun - I distinctly remember chuckling to myself throughout the evening - hours passed! I heard my sister's car in the driveway and did something my dad had always warned me about and that I would never do again: I asked if he had Verizon, as I did. He (as I learned throughout the night, was named Nick) did indeed have Verizon, and I remember his comment being, "Plus, it's a night and a weekend, so it would be a free call anyway!" (that dates it!). I, to my current astonishment, actually gave him my number... after I got his, but still! I can't believe I did that!! I told him I had to go because my sister was coming home, but it had been a fun night. I actually didn't expect him to ever call, and I definitely didn't expect him to call that same night, but he totally did! We talked on the phone for 3 hours that first night, about so many things. Music: our tastes didn't really overlap, but our enjoyment of the medium did. Movies: this was a better fit, lots in common. Our age: me 18, him 22 (swoon, an older man! =P). Families: both big, both the youngest. Relationship status: me single, him not. This last one was what sealed it for me as strictly a friendship, but it was so amazing to me to be talking to someone I had never met, but had a lot in common, and that somehow I knew we could be friends.
In the next couple of months, I can't remember how often we talked, but I know it was often because our friendship steadily grew. When I went off to college, I had a gap in my class schedule from 2-3:30 and at that point we were good enough friends that we talked every day. He called me on his drive home from work (he worked an early shift at that point) and we chatted until I had to get to choir rehearsal. For me, there was definitely "something more" there, a connection to this long-distance guy that I didn't really want to think any deeper on because he was taken. I started "talking" to another guy and didn't hold back any information from Nick. I'd never dated in high school and I wasn't really dating then either, but it was nice to talk to a guy about guy things and he continued to give me good advice on a subject I knew little about. I started asking him about his relationship with God - a walk with Jesus was (and is!) really important to me, and when Nick told me he didn't really have one, I knew why our paths had crossed. We had more conversations about anything and everything and deeper conversations about what it meant to be a Christian as the time went on. I wrote a journal entry the night Nick accepted Jesus as his savior on the phone with me. It was something I wanted to remember for sure! The thing with the other guy fell through and my friendship with Nick grew deeper. It started to worry me, actually. I felt uncomfortable when he would say, "I've never told anyone that before" to me. Uncomfortable because he had a girlfriend and I was the person he was talking to every day - uncomfortable because of how much I liked him and how great I felt that I was his confidant! I needed to get out of the way so that he could make other things a priority over me. I told him I thought it was time to go our separate ways, that we had crossed paths for a reason and now it was time to move on. I wasn't expecting him to put up such a fight about that but he did. It was New Year's Eve and I was at my sister's house getting ready for a party when we finished that phone conversation. I walked inside, dumbfounded, and told her, "I feel like I just broke up with someone I wasn't even dating..." (Nick later told me it was that feeling of 'breaking up' that made him think about what his feelings for me really were.)
We didn't talk for months. I thought about him all the time. On the way home from completing my first year of college, I called him. He was at a bar, had deleted my number (ouch! I couldn't bring myself to do that!) but recognized my voice right away and we chatted for a few minutes before he had to go. He called me later that night after he was home and we talked like no time had passed. He was still taken, I was still single, but I didn't feel like the Lord was done with Nick being in my life yet. This is the part that gets a little fuzzy in my memory. I know we talked and talked often, but I think his schedule changed and my schedule changed once I was a sophomore, so I don't think it was every day. Plus, I was still feeling uneasy that we were closer than ever and growing closer every day. I know it was this year that we exchanged pictures of ourselves for the first time and he was so close to what I'd put together in my mind it was scary! The world of boys and relationships was still new and bewildering to me, and I shared a lot with Nick about my insecurities and fears - that "the guy I like never likes me" and all that, because it was true about any guy but mainly about Nick. By now, I was sure that I really liked Nick. I was sure I was jealous of this girl he was dating because she didn't seem to know what she had. I was sure that I'd shared more about myself with him than with anyone and I was also sure he was doing that with me. We both admitted, after reconnecting that year, that we sorta kinda maybe had a crush on the other - when we first started talking, of course. Always past tense. I was lying by omission - the crush was real and it was current. I cut things off again when I called him one night and he answered the phone and talked to me for several minutes before mentioning he was out at dinner with his girlfriend. I was horrified!! "You're one a DATE and TOOK MY CALL?!? I'm hanging up right now, talk to your girlfriend for crying out loud!!" Again, we didn't talk for months. We sent each other the random, "Miss talking to you" AIM's (dates it again!) but nothing more. I started my junior year and got my heart broken that fall. Came home for the holidays and got a surprise Christmas gift: Dad added texting to the family phone plan! I sent out a mass text to everyone in my contact list that I'd finally gotten texting, yay! and who would reply back but Nick. I had, of course, very intentionally kept him in that mass text, but I felt better that I'd sent it to multiple people and not singled him out. We started texting, a new communication medium for us.
One day of break, we were texting and I mentioned I'd had a super weird dream that night (dreams, both actual and figurative were a common topic for us). When he asked what it was, I told him it was too complicated to text. The next minute, he was calling me. Again, we picked up right where we left off, except this time, the feelings had been there all the while and were full force right away, for me. I was confused. How could I feel this strongly about someone I'd not yet seen face-to-face? I didn't understand it and it frustrated me. I was also frustrated that he was still unavailable. I knew I wanted him to be single and that meant that I wanted him to be single so that he could be with me... impossible, as we were a very very long distance from each other, but it was what I wanted. One night, I watched a movie with my mom and dad and one sister that scared me so bad we had to pause it so I could calm down and that sister had to accompany me to the bathroom so I wouldn't be alone with the mirror in there. Mirrors in scary movies are the most terrifying thing to me and in this instance, the person sees something behind them in the mirror that is there one minute and gone the next, aka, the stuff of my nightmares. Still freaked, I went upstairs to bed but was dreading it because my closet doors back then were floor-to-ceiling mirrors!! I can't remember who called whom, but I was on the phone with Nick through my whole getting-ready-for-bed nightly routine, he was talking to me as I was still too freaked out to fall asleep... and he talked to me until I did finally fall asleep. That was when I knew I loved him. This man who could calm me with just the sound of his voice, who called me in the morning to make sure I was okay. This was the man I wanted to love forever.
Our story is a unique one, and with our unique story, there's a level of fear that comes with it. Very rarely have we shared the full version when telling "How We Met". To me, it is an amazing, wonderful fairy tale of two people drawn together by God for a greater purpose, and I'm ready to tell it. =)
It all started 8 years ago. I just had to do the math and boggled myself! I was 18, graduated from high school, gearing up to go to college. I had a health history a mile long and a list of indoor hobbies and activities to match, including a game website that no longer exists. It was a simple game site - seriously, the games consisted of things like memory, cannons, checkers, chess, pool, etc. There was a chat option that I rarely used (warnings from my father strongly rooted in my brain), and then usually used it for things like "GG (good game), 1 more? if I felt I had a good opponent. One evening, my sister asked me to babysit my niece so she could go out, and after my niece was all tucked up in bed, I passed the time playing these games. Early in my playing, I got a request from someone to play and accepted, though I don't know why, because I think it was for pool and I'm wretched at pool, whether electronic or not. I warned said person via chat that I was a novice and instead of being a jerk about it, said person went on to give me pointers at various key moments in the game. I still lost, but it was a good experience. At my loss, said person offered that the next game would be better, did I want to try again? So we rematched, more advice ensued, another loss, another rematch. Eventually the advice turned into innocent chat, the chat to banter as the games changed in my favor. Winner challenged the losing player to whatever game they wanted and we each complained when the other played to their personal strengths, but it was all lighthearted and terribly fun - I distinctly remember chuckling to myself throughout the evening - hours passed! I heard my sister's car in the driveway and did something my dad had always warned me about and that I would never do again: I asked if he had Verizon, as I did. He (as I learned throughout the night, was named Nick) did indeed have Verizon, and I remember his comment being, "Plus, it's a night and a weekend, so it would be a free call anyway!" (that dates it!). I, to my current astonishment, actually gave him my number... after I got his, but still! I can't believe I did that!! I told him I had to go because my sister was coming home, but it had been a fun night. I actually didn't expect him to ever call, and I definitely didn't expect him to call that same night, but he totally did! We talked on the phone for 3 hours that first night, about so many things. Music: our tastes didn't really overlap, but our enjoyment of the medium did. Movies: this was a better fit, lots in common. Our age: me 18, him 22 (swoon, an older man! =P). Families: both big, both the youngest. Relationship status: me single, him not. This last one was what sealed it for me as strictly a friendship, but it was so amazing to me to be talking to someone I had never met, but had a lot in common, and that somehow I knew we could be friends.
In the next couple of months, I can't remember how often we talked, but I know it was often because our friendship steadily grew. When I went off to college, I had a gap in my class schedule from 2-3:30 and at that point we were good enough friends that we talked every day. He called me on his drive home from work (he worked an early shift at that point) and we chatted until I had to get to choir rehearsal. For me, there was definitely "something more" there, a connection to this long-distance guy that I didn't really want to think any deeper on because he was taken. I started "talking" to another guy and didn't hold back any information from Nick. I'd never dated in high school and I wasn't really dating then either, but it was nice to talk to a guy about guy things and he continued to give me good advice on a subject I knew little about. I started asking him about his relationship with God - a walk with Jesus was (and is!) really important to me, and when Nick told me he didn't really have one, I knew why our paths had crossed. We had more conversations about anything and everything and deeper conversations about what it meant to be a Christian as the time went on. I wrote a journal entry the night Nick accepted Jesus as his savior on the phone with me. It was something I wanted to remember for sure! The thing with the other guy fell through and my friendship with Nick grew deeper. It started to worry me, actually. I felt uncomfortable when he would say, "I've never told anyone that before" to me. Uncomfortable because he had a girlfriend and I was the person he was talking to every day - uncomfortable because of how much I liked him and how great I felt that I was his confidant! I needed to get out of the way so that he could make other things a priority over me. I told him I thought it was time to go our separate ways, that we had crossed paths for a reason and now it was time to move on. I wasn't expecting him to put up such a fight about that but he did. It was New Year's Eve and I was at my sister's house getting ready for a party when we finished that phone conversation. I walked inside, dumbfounded, and told her, "I feel like I just broke up with someone I wasn't even dating..." (Nick later told me it was that feeling of 'breaking up' that made him think about what his feelings for me really were.)
We didn't talk for months. I thought about him all the time. On the way home from completing my first year of college, I called him. He was at a bar, had deleted my number (ouch! I couldn't bring myself to do that!) but recognized my voice right away and we chatted for a few minutes before he had to go. He called me later that night after he was home and we talked like no time had passed. He was still taken, I was still single, but I didn't feel like the Lord was done with Nick being in my life yet. This is the part that gets a little fuzzy in my memory. I know we talked and talked often, but I think his schedule changed and my schedule changed once I was a sophomore, so I don't think it was every day. Plus, I was still feeling uneasy that we were closer than ever and growing closer every day. I know it was this year that we exchanged pictures of ourselves for the first time and he was so close to what I'd put together in my mind it was scary! The world of boys and relationships was still new and bewildering to me, and I shared a lot with Nick about my insecurities and fears - that "the guy I like never likes me" and all that, because it was true about any guy but mainly about Nick. By now, I was sure that I really liked Nick. I was sure I was jealous of this girl he was dating because she didn't seem to know what she had. I was sure that I'd shared more about myself with him than with anyone and I was also sure he was doing that with me. We both admitted, after reconnecting that year, that we sorta kinda maybe had a crush on the other - when we first started talking, of course. Always past tense. I was lying by omission - the crush was real and it was current. I cut things off again when I called him one night and he answered the phone and talked to me for several minutes before mentioning he was out at dinner with his girlfriend. I was horrified!! "You're one a DATE and TOOK MY CALL?!? I'm hanging up right now, talk to your girlfriend for crying out loud!!" Again, we didn't talk for months. We sent each other the random, "Miss talking to you" AIM's (dates it again!) but nothing more. I started my junior year and got my heart broken that fall. Came home for the holidays and got a surprise Christmas gift: Dad added texting to the family phone plan! I sent out a mass text to everyone in my contact list that I'd finally gotten texting, yay! and who would reply back but Nick. I had, of course, very intentionally kept him in that mass text, but I felt better that I'd sent it to multiple people and not singled him out. We started texting, a new communication medium for us.
One day of break, we were texting and I mentioned I'd had a super weird dream that night (dreams, both actual and figurative were a common topic for us). When he asked what it was, I told him it was too complicated to text. The next minute, he was calling me. Again, we picked up right where we left off, except this time, the feelings had been there all the while and were full force right away, for me. I was confused. How could I feel this strongly about someone I'd not yet seen face-to-face? I didn't understand it and it frustrated me. I was also frustrated that he was still unavailable. I knew I wanted him to be single and that meant that I wanted him to be single so that he could be with me... impossible, as we were a very very long distance from each other, but it was what I wanted. One night, I watched a movie with my mom and dad and one sister that scared me so bad we had to pause it so I could calm down and that sister had to accompany me to the bathroom so I wouldn't be alone with the mirror in there. Mirrors in scary movies are the most terrifying thing to me and in this instance, the person sees something behind them in the mirror that is there one minute and gone the next, aka, the stuff of my nightmares. Still freaked, I went upstairs to bed but was dreading it because my closet doors back then were floor-to-ceiling mirrors!! I can't remember who called whom, but I was on the phone with Nick through my whole getting-ready-for-bed nightly routine, he was talking to me as I was still too freaked out to fall asleep... and he talked to me until I did finally fall asleep. That was when I knew I loved him. This man who could calm me with just the sound of his voice, who called me in the morning to make sure I was okay. This was the man I wanted to love forever.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
The Half-way Mark
9/11/01
I have now lived half of my life remembering this tragedy year after year. I was only 13 when I watched the second plane crash on national television in my middle school. I couldn't stop watching, yet I didn't really know, couldn't comprehend the vastness of the loss. I had no idea of the political climate, of the events leading up to that horrible day, until the 10 year anniversary specials came on TV in 2011. It was the difference between seeing it through the lens of a child and the reality of adulthood.
Now, married to a firefighter, I see it in an even sharper light. I cannot help putting my husband in the place of those who fearlessly risked their lives to save so many. Those heroes, who would probably tell you they were just doing their job, if they could. My heart goes out to the families of those men and women who will never have them back. Who watched through tears, knowing their loved ones were inside those buildings by choice and occupation, helping and saving as many as they could, going higher and higher toward danger as other might flee from it. The certainty of their death. The agony of the waiting. I can't think of it except through tears.
Now, I must remember the time just days after this tragedy; how this grand country came together in a time of extreme trouble, forgetting the vast differences that can cause separation, and focusing on what is most important: our lives and our freedom. For their sakes, for all those who risked and lost those two things most important on that fateful day, we MUST remember what unites us. We cannot allow this country to be destroyed from within. How short our memories are, if after only 13 years we forget the unity that bound us together in LOVE; in respect for those who laid their lives down for ours. Let us not forget: our military service members do the same thing for us EVERY DAY. Firefighters, police, go out EVERY DAY for the safety of this country, for its citizen's freedom, for their lives. Do not let this day go by in vain. Do not just remember the act of terror met out on this country. Remember the men and women who charged into the smoke and ash and flames for the lives of those within. Remember the UNITED States of America in the days that followed. Remember and change today because of their sacrifice.
Thank you is not enough, but it is all I have to give.
Husband, thank you and your firefighting brothers for being protectors of our city.
Brian S. and so many others, thank you for protecting this great and wonderful country and all of our lives and all of our freedoms with your service.
Aubrey K. and the others in the police force, thank you for guarding and correcting and keeping our cities safe.
Service: the occupation or function of serving <in active service>
b : employment as a servant <entered his service>
I have now lived half of my life remembering this tragedy year after year. I was only 13 when I watched the second plane crash on national television in my middle school. I couldn't stop watching, yet I didn't really know, couldn't comprehend the vastness of the loss. I had no idea of the political climate, of the events leading up to that horrible day, until the 10 year anniversary specials came on TV in 2011. It was the difference between seeing it through the lens of a child and the reality of adulthood.
Now, married to a firefighter, I see it in an even sharper light. I cannot help putting my husband in the place of those who fearlessly risked their lives to save so many. Those heroes, who would probably tell you they were just doing their job, if they could. My heart goes out to the families of those men and women who will never have them back. Who watched through tears, knowing their loved ones were inside those buildings by choice and occupation, helping and saving as many as they could, going higher and higher toward danger as other might flee from it. The certainty of their death. The agony of the waiting. I can't think of it except through tears.
Now, I must remember the time just days after this tragedy; how this grand country came together in a time of extreme trouble, forgetting the vast differences that can cause separation, and focusing on what is most important: our lives and our freedom. For their sakes, for all those who risked and lost those two things most important on that fateful day, we MUST remember what unites us. We cannot allow this country to be destroyed from within. How short our memories are, if after only 13 years we forget the unity that bound us together in LOVE; in respect for those who laid their lives down for ours. Let us not forget: our military service members do the same thing for us EVERY DAY. Firefighters, police, go out EVERY DAY for the safety of this country, for its citizen's freedom, for their lives. Do not let this day go by in vain. Do not just remember the act of terror met out on this country. Remember the men and women who charged into the smoke and ash and flames for the lives of those within. Remember the UNITED States of America in the days that followed. Remember and change today because of their sacrifice.
Thank you is not enough, but it is all I have to give.
Husband, thank you and your firefighting brothers for being protectors of our city.
Brian S. and so many others, thank you for protecting this great and wonderful country and all of our lives and all of our freedoms with your service.
Aubrey K. and the others in the police force, thank you for guarding and correcting and keeping our cities safe.
Service: the occupation or function of serving <in active service>
2
4
: the act of serving: as
a : a helpful act <did him a service>
b : useful labor that does not produce a tangible commodity —usually used in plural <charge for professional services>
(Miriam-Webster Dictionary online)
Love to you all,
Bianca
Saturday, September 6, 2014
5 Reasons I Love My Husband More Than Ever Through Infertility
Remember way back in the spring, when I made a promise to share what was real in my life? This is the post that has had me shaking in my boots ever since. We got some very difficult and life changing news after trying unsuccessfully to start our family the "normal" way almost a year ago. We got the infertility verdict. We got the heart-wrenching test results from one and the normal test results from the other. It's been a total roller coaster, and it hasn't been easy at all. Not one thought process since that news has been an easy one! The road ahead is a jumbled mess and we're trying to find the string that will lead us through the maze. I want to take a moment to praise Husband for these 5 ways that he's made me fall in love with him even more through this trying time. I have not been easy to love, but he's rocking at showing me he does.
1. He lets me grieve.
Husband had some events in his past that had him thinking about fertility issues for most of his adult life. Whether the Lord was preparing him along the way, I don't know, but his results were just a confirmation of something he'd already made his peace with. For me, this was a complete shock, probably because I was convinced that if something was "wrong", it was with me. I felt completely blindsided when his test results, that I had written off as something to rule out, came back severe. I have gone through every step of the grieving process in these last months: shock, denial, guilt, blame, depression, turning the corner, and the road to acceptance, and he has let me feel them all. He doesn't always "get it", the mourning for pregnancy; that never feeling our child grow inside me is such a heavy loss... but he understands as a husband can that his wife is hurting and has been an amazing support for me in my weakness.
2. It doesn't define him.
One of the first things I did when confronted with this roadblock was to try and learn everything I could about it. Generally, I discovered that about 1 in 10 couples have fertility issues, and of them it's about a 3-way split between female factor, male factor, or both. I got a LOT of hits for women dealing with their own infertility, and a few hits in the both category, but barely any for male factor. Most of the things I came across were explanations about why there was so little discussion about male factor infertility: that men don't want to talk about it because it affects their manhood. I felt so backed into a corner! I didn't want to discuss anything that would make Husband feel like less of a man, but we NEEDED to discuss this! One of the first serious conversations we had, Husband told me, "This is just a roadblock for future children. This isn't what defines me as a man." I love him for that. It DOESN'T define him and it doesn't change the fact that he's who I'd choose over and over if I had to choose again. There is nothing wrong with him. There is no fault with him. He's the perfect man for me, God's chosen, and I'm reminded of all the ways he's my better half daily.
3. He's okay being open about it.
One of the reasons I'm writing this is because there's so few resources out there for couples dealing with MFI and we need support! For most of you readers, this news is a shock to you, too. We've only told the people in our tiniest, most inner of inner circles (aka family and our weekly community group) because it's hard to share. We're at that stage of life and marriage where anytime we say we have something to tell them, people ask, "Are you pregnant?!?!" That's a very hard question to confront right now, especially when the bitterness in my heart wants to say, "No, we're not pregnant, and we won't be pregnant unless God performs a miracle!" Thankfully, we had the wisdom from the Lord NOT to answer that way, but it was on the tip of the tongue more than once. Our path from this point on is going to look very different than the other 9 couples in that statistic I named earlier, whether God desires us to be parents or wants us to do something else with our adult lives. It's going to look different. It's going to BE different. We're a team and we're going through this together. He knows I need support and not only gives it freely, but opens me up to a world of support that I can embrace instead of feeling isolated from.
4. It's always been about me and him and it still is.
Early in our marriage, and maybe even in our pre-marital counseling, we got advice from several couples older and much wiser than we are to make sure to remember that we're husband and wife first. Anything else that happens, especially children, we have to keep that fact in our minds. I've had a hard time with this, as I felt a hole in my heart when I realized pregnancy wasn't in my grasp after I'd come so close to holding it in my hands. In my grief, suddenly "just being married" wasn't enough. I'd wanted the "baby makes three" part of the natural progression of married life. My Husband pursued me through the grief. He pursues me through bitterness. He points me back to God. He has reminded me with his love that before any other title, I am Wife. He encourages me that I may still be a mother, if it's in God's plan. But if not, God is still good, and we are still married. We've felt the strain from this sore wanting to fester between us. Husband has held my hand as the Lord cleanses the wound. He will always be there to hold my hand in the hard times.
5. We move forward together.
There have been painful, heart sore, angry conversations over the past few months. There have also been some of the most amazing, reassuring, encouraging, wonderful conversations we've ever had. Husband has shown me time and again the meaning of trust and faith in God when he says, "I've just given it to Him. I don't worry about it, because I know He works miracles. We'll either have a miracle pregnancy, or he'll bring us someone else's miracle to adopt." He knows that I need to hear that right now. But what he's shown me further is that even if neither of those things happen, God's plan is still sovereign for our lives. Through his tender love of me, he's turned my eyes toward the One with the answers. I don't know if we'll ever be parents. I don't know if that's what the Lord wants for us because I don't know what the future holds. Does anyone?? =) What we do know is that we are a team, a united front, one. Whatever we decide or the Lord reveals, we do it 100% together. He holds my hand and I cling to his and we walk toward the Light of Love together.
I'm frightened and excited and terrified to publish this post. I know some people won't know how to react. There's a very helpful website that I've turned to time and again that you can go to here if you want to learn more. For now, we're processing through this together. We've made no plans yet because big decisions are best left for level-headed times and we're still reeling. We're trusting God and loving each other and plunging into the years of pregnancy announcements and birth announcements and heartache and joy and all the rest. We rejoice and we mourn. To everything there is a season (Ecc 3:1). Love conquers all (1Cor 13).
Thanks for taking the time to read this beginning of a God-written story!
Lots of love,
Bianca
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
The Corset Movement
I sincerely believe we should bring corsets back.
Now, before you stop reading this because you're thinking, "What? How is a corset any better?" or "Who would want to wear that??" or really any other complaints, hear me out. I think we've just traded the corset for various other undergarments that are infinitely more deceptive and less comfortable. I've spent some time thinking on this. My point are thus:
1. Push-Up Bras.
There is a multi-million dollar franchise that consists of convincing ladies with very little on top to wear a push-up to make them look bigger. However, thanks to Keira Knightly as Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Prejudice) and Elizabeth Swan (Pirates of the Caribbean series), we know that this can be achieved with a corset. Even No-Knockers-Keira pulled off a shadow of cleavage in P&P, and we know that they're painted on in POTC, but even so, there's a little if you look from the side. If you want the ultimate push-up experience (and without leading the gents on a wild goose chase for that extra 3 inches of boob they thought they were getting), corset is the way to go.
2. Spanx.
Yet another multi-million dollar company telling the other half of ladies that what they've got is too much and they need to suck it in to look sexy. We know the truth. Any of us that have used Spanx or other contraptions commonly known as "slim wear" knows that the process of trying to squeeze into skin colored shrink wrap is the least sexy thing you'll ever do in this life. The ones that have been designed to look sexy don't do a thing, have you noticed that? It's always the beige ones that have the most suck-in-ability. Think how great it would be if you could just put the thing around you and lace it up to the suck-in level of your choice! Oh wait, that's a corset.
3. Strapless bras.
Yet another contraption used to torture women who just want to wear a strapless dress or something without sleeves. Strapless bras have to be the bane of womenkind (who wear bras). Everyone knows the support of a bra should come from the band, not the straps... so why don't strapless bras ever work?!!? You spend the evening in a tug-of-war between pulling your bra up and tugging your dress down after you pull your bra up. Which is every 5 seconds. Wouldn't it be great if you weren't always disappointed by a 2-and-a-half inch support line at the most awkward point in your back? I'd love something that extended like 10 or more inches to create the ultimate support... and that's a corset.
Now imagine wearing a strapless push-up bra with Spanx and you have described 90% of date nights in a modern woman's life. Nightmare. Now see my pros.
1. The marriage of function and seduction.
The truth is, corsets are of course still around, but they've been exiled to lingerie, where undergarments go to die. In actuality, they're the most functional and practical undergarment you could find, PLUS they're sexy! Bras and shape-wear totally miss the mark on this one. As previously mentioned, it's always the flesh-toned monstrosities that actually get the job done (aside from push-up bras... those come in every color and style EVER).
2. No "Bridget Jones" gaffs.
Why do we wear the above contraptions, ultimately? To look or feel better about ourselves, fit in clothes better, or (the secret shallow shame) to impress others. We don't want anyone to see us put these things on. We want them to see the results! (Just ask yourself if you put on Spanx in front of a mirror, or if you've ever been afraid of a guy seeing you without your push-up bra...) The thing about corsets is that they're just as good looking coming on and off as the result you want others to see. (I'm not talking about the hook-and-eye ones that are just corsets desperately trying to fit into today's bra-ciety. I'm talking laces.)
3. Did I mention they're already strapless? They are. And one more for good measure,
4. We've had bras for around 70 years. Corsets were around for the previous 700. Old, young, big, small, poor, rich, all corseted. What do we think we've gotten right in the last 70 years?!? There needs to be some big changes in bras and shape-wear to change my mind on this because bras suck. They suck so bad. No one wears the right sizes to begin with and they just make you have terrible posture during your most developmental years.
Bring back the functional corset! Bosoms should be high and mighty! Burn the bras and Spanx and other forms of torture!
Now, if I could just get the rest of the country behind Regency era clothing, life would be perfect. That's a topic for another day.
Love to you ladies,
Bianca
p.s. confession: I own one, sad, old, beige, hook-and-eye corset that they don't even make the style of anymore and I still have to wear a bra with. How I long for the all-in-one glory of a real corset! If you know of a company that "makes 'em like they used to", please direct me to them!
Now, before you stop reading this because you're thinking, "What? How is a corset any better?" or "Who would want to wear that??" or really any other complaints, hear me out. I think we've just traded the corset for various other undergarments that are infinitely more deceptive and less comfortable. I've spent some time thinking on this. My point are thus:
1. Push-Up Bras.
There is a multi-million dollar franchise that consists of convincing ladies with very little on top to wear a push-up to make them look bigger. However, thanks to Keira Knightly as Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Prejudice) and Elizabeth Swan (Pirates of the Caribbean series), we know that this can be achieved with a corset. Even No-Knockers-Keira pulled off a shadow of cleavage in P&P, and we know that they're painted on in POTC, but even so, there's a little if you look from the side. If you want the ultimate push-up experience (and without leading the gents on a wild goose chase for that extra 3 inches of boob they thought they were getting), corset is the way to go.
2. Spanx.
Yet another multi-million dollar company telling the other half of ladies that what they've got is too much and they need to suck it in to look sexy. We know the truth. Any of us that have used Spanx or other contraptions commonly known as "slim wear" knows that the process of trying to squeeze into skin colored shrink wrap is the least sexy thing you'll ever do in this life. The ones that have been designed to look sexy don't do a thing, have you noticed that? It's always the beige ones that have the most suck-in-ability. Think how great it would be if you could just put the thing around you and lace it up to the suck-in level of your choice! Oh wait, that's a corset.
3. Strapless bras.
Yet another contraption used to torture women who just want to wear a strapless dress or something without sleeves. Strapless bras have to be the bane of womenkind (who wear bras). Everyone knows the support of a bra should come from the band, not the straps... so why don't strapless bras ever work?!!? You spend the evening in a tug-of-war between pulling your bra up and tugging your dress down after you pull your bra up. Which is every 5 seconds. Wouldn't it be great if you weren't always disappointed by a 2-and-a-half inch support line at the most awkward point in your back? I'd love something that extended like 10 or more inches to create the ultimate support... and that's a corset.
Now imagine wearing a strapless push-up bra with Spanx and you have described 90% of date nights in a modern woman's life. Nightmare. Now see my pros.
1. The marriage of function and seduction.
The truth is, corsets are of course still around, but they've been exiled to lingerie, where undergarments go to die. In actuality, they're the most functional and practical undergarment you could find, PLUS they're sexy! Bras and shape-wear totally miss the mark on this one. As previously mentioned, it's always the flesh-toned monstrosities that actually get the job done (aside from push-up bras... those come in every color and style EVER).
2. No "Bridget Jones" gaffs.
Why do we wear the above contraptions, ultimately? To look or feel better about ourselves, fit in clothes better, or (the secret shallow shame) to impress others. We don't want anyone to see us put these things on. We want them to see the results! (Just ask yourself if you put on Spanx in front of a mirror, or if you've ever been afraid of a guy seeing you without your push-up bra...) The thing about corsets is that they're just as good looking coming on and off as the result you want others to see. (I'm not talking about the hook-and-eye ones that are just corsets desperately trying to fit into today's bra-ciety. I'm talking laces.)
3. Did I mention they're already strapless? They are. And one more for good measure,
4. We've had bras for around 70 years. Corsets were around for the previous 700. Old, young, big, small, poor, rich, all corseted. What do we think we've gotten right in the last 70 years?!? There needs to be some big changes in bras and shape-wear to change my mind on this because bras suck. They suck so bad. No one wears the right sizes to begin with and they just make you have terrible posture during your most developmental years.
Bring back the functional corset! Bosoms should be high and mighty! Burn the bras and Spanx and other forms of torture!
Now, if I could just get the rest of the country behind Regency era clothing, life would be perfect. That's a topic for another day.
Love to you ladies,
Bianca
p.s. confession: I own one, sad, old, beige, hook-and-eye corset that they don't even make the style of anymore and I still have to wear a bra with. How I long for the all-in-one glory of a real corset! If you know of a company that "makes 'em like they used to", please direct me to them!
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Breakfast Nook
I am so excited. A few weeks ago, a very sweet friend texted me to see if I wanted an overstuffed red chair. My heart cried, "YES! Yes I do!!" But my house and Husband cried "We don't have the space for more furniture!" So I sadly turned her down.
This was only the beginning, as my wheels began to turn. I rearrange the livingroom furniture fairly regularly (who doesn't?) and I was starting to feel that itch anyway. Only this time, I really wanted to find a space for that red chair!!! So I had this vision for a breakfast nook in the area off the kitchen. It's supposed to be an eat-in dining area, and we were using it for that, but it didn't really work for us. So that was where I saw the breakfast nook.
Mismatched dishes are my favorite! And the kitties have shown their approval.
Now.
In the past, I've had ideas for different furniture configurations and Husband just can't picture it. So, since we have hardwood floors, I've been able to just move things myself and SHOW him what I see with not much effort. THIS one involved moving 3 areas instead of just one. He couldn't see it at all, needless to say. But I was convinced that if I could get it done, he would love it (he was a bit skeptical). So I did it! And we both LOVE it! We've done breakfast every morning since in the nook. And it's glorious. So here it is! 
And this is the new dining area off the livingroom.
Ignore my Swiffer. So, my Mama came over to christen the space with a lovely pot of tea.
This sweet friend not only gave us the chair and ottoman, but also the gorgeous wood breakfast table. She basically provided the nook. And as I looked around my assortment of furniture from the living, dining and breakfast rooms, I realized that they all came from different people, yet somehow all go together (in my funky, retro/vintage style way)!! So to everyone who has helped furnish our house, either by selling it cheaply or giving it freely, we thank you so much. Our home is a cozy delight and we adore spending time here because of you. I plan to have sweet friend Ms. J over for tea soon. Hope you enjoy the peek into our home!
Lots of love and coziness,
Bianca
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
This One is About Movies, Apparently...
I've been at a loss lately. I've wanted to write, but things seem to be going pretty (well, I already got in trouble for this word, so...) pooptastic lately. (Was that elementary enough? Catch my sarcastic drift?) This whole write-no-matter-what deal I made with myself has put me in a bit of a pickle! I don't like to be a downer and things have been sandpaper-y of late. So, I got to thinking. There are two things I'd like to share with the general public. The first:
I have found the most perfect alarm. You know, for waking up. At insane times of the morning. Praise be, I don't have to do the whole crack-of-dawn thing most mornings. I'm a night owl. I don't do sunrises very well. So when I do have to get up early, it's just not good. So many bad words in my head. Until now! (I feel like an infomercial...) But seriously, I just have to share how good this is for an alarm. It's from "The Last of the Mohicans" soundtrack. Background on me, I LOVE movie soundtracks. So much. I have so many. They're my cozy music. This is a family trait. Not too long ago, I realized that there are TWO slightly different soundtracks for TLOTM. For one reason or another, there are songs missing on one version. There are a few composers for the movie soundtrack, so maybe they had a disagreement or something, I don't know. But one of my favorite themes of the movie was missing from the soundtrack I had, so I bought it individually from iTunes and now it's my alarm. It's called "Bridge at LaCrosse" and it's SO AMAZING. It's even been Husband approved. If you all weigh in on what you think of it, I may share more with you. Maybe a top 5. So weigh in. =)
The second:
I must be on a movie kick, because now I'm gonna talk about "Under the Tuscan Sun" (not to be confused with Tuscon, as Husband has sometimes berated me. Quote him: "It's TOO-sahn, not TUH-skin!" ... got it.) There's a part where Francis realizes that she made a snap decision to buy a house in Tuscany and is overwhelmed by her loneliness. After calling the only person she really knows who can help her, she laments that she wants a wedding in her house and a family in her house, that she lies awake at night thinking how stupid she is for buying a villa in Tuscany for a life she doesn't have. My favorite part of the movie is at the end, when this same friend points out that she has gotten her wish: a pair of young lovers have their wedding reception at her villa, and Francis's best friend Patti cradles her newborn baby. She looks around, amazed that she missed the fulfillment of her wish. I've felt like Francis lately. I had a plan, some dreams, some hopes that are just not going well for me. I've been downcast that there are things in life that I want and I just don't have; may never have. I've been... having a pity party. I look around me and see so many good things; so many wonderful moments to share with wonderful people. I realize that I've been missing out on all the good things just because they aren't happening to me. They're happening to everyone around me! Instead of basking in the wonder and glory of their happiness, I've been selfishly wishing it were my own. Shame on me. From now on, I hope to be able to see these things for what they are: a blessing in disguise. Ladybugs; lots and lots of ladybugs!
Love you readers!
Bianca
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