I'm Nothing If Not Consistent.

Wouldn't ya know, my prediction came true of my last post! I've offended someone by being real. I didn't even get into the REALLY real stuff yet, that was a just a warning! And it already happened!

I can't say I'm surprised. I used to be the kind of person who lived exactly by the book. Too bad it wasn't by The Book, The Bible. I claimed it was, all the things I did or didn't do that made me feel great about being me. I claimed it was because I was a "Christian" that I didn't smoke, drink, use 'bad' language or sleep around. The truth was that I didn't smoke because I was too young to buy cigarettes and I wanted to be a singer. I didn't drink because I was too young to buy alcohol, none of my friends were drinkers, and when I was old enough, I just didn't like the way it made me feel most of the time. I didn't use bad language because it was something that set me apart from the "rest" of "them", and I loved when people asked me why I didn't because I got to use my Sunday School answer: Jesus! (But it was really: ME!!) I didn't sleep around because I didn't want to get pregnant or a weird disease and later I absolutely LOVED the status of being The Last Virgin most people knew. Are these things good-Christian-girl things to avoid? Absolutely. That was another reason. But the truth is that all things fade. The things I used to value and find value in, I no longer do. I no longer feel like "more" of a Christian because I was a virgin for my husband. I don't feel like "less" of a Christian because I say words that others don't use. In fact, a lot of the time, I don't FEEL like a Christian at all.

Good thing it's not a feeling.

It's God's saving grace. And it's ALSO a good thing that it doesn't depend on anything I do to get it. That's the glory of the gospel. I used to get a real kick out of being an excellent role model and thinking I was doing everything just right. Now, I'd rather people could see me for who I am -

A broken mess of a woman with a few good qualities who absolutely loves The Lord her God with all her heart, soul and mind. A woman who makes mistakes and asks for God's forgiveness and receives it because no sin is too great. A woman who lives out the fact that she's not and never will be perfect, but she doesn't have to be because of the Gospel. A woman who acknowledges that nothing she does or doesn't do will count against her because of the saving blood of Jesus Christ.

There were people back in those days of my doing everything "right" who really hated me. There were people who made my life a living hell making fun of me or watching my every move to see when I'd fall.
When I decided that appearances weren't as important as The Gospel and Christ's grace, there were people who judged me. Who looked down their noses at the reality of 'me' because I didn't live up to what they'd built up about me in their minds. It just proved to me that I can't possibly please everyone. The people who got offended from my last post didn't like my use of language and used it to leverage me out of a position of leadership in the church. But that's okay, because even though I don't agree with them, I've been asking the Lord for direction and knew decision time was coming and it just happened to come down to this. I don't pretend to always make the right decision, or know exactly what to do, I just pray. I pray and pray and pray and God is MERCIFUL to me and sometimes shows me what to do. Or makes it blatantly obvious so that I can't ignore it, like the completely clear direction I got today. He knows I'm dumb; he calls me a sheep and there's no animal dumber out there. He doesn't leave me to the wolves, though. He leads me to the paths of His righteousness and restores my soul, even when I walk away into dangerous places, I don't have to fear. He is with me. (Psalm 23) I'm so thankful for Him and for His guidance. He reveals His will to me in amazing ways.

Sometimes people want you to LOOK like you've got it together. I'm not interested in that. I'm not interested in appearances for appearance's sake. I'm interested in the real. I'm sad that people don't give me that same standard, but for you who read this, don't give up on me just yet. I already told you last time, I'm going to disappoint you. It's not my intention to do so, and I don't do it on purpose, but I know I can't please everyone.

I'm growing and learning, and I'd love to do it along with you.

Love,
Bianca

I Have Things To Say...

Really, I do. I think of things to post all the time. I constantly write blog posts in my head. The problem is that I self-edit everything. I just edited that sentence. Right there in my pre-post-read-through. It's why I'm still writing my novel and am only just now getting a good dent in it. I can't write something down without wondering, "Does this really need to be put down for all posterity?" and most of the time, I talk myself out of it. "No one really cares about that, Bianca", I convince myself. But in honor of marking a YEAR with no posts (a personal best), I think I need to be a little more "out there". I have things to say. Really, I do.

It's been a whirlwind year. And it's not even beginning to settle! But that's why it's now or never, and it's been never lately. I want to fix that. Life is never going to slow down for my preferences. Just when we think, "Hey, I may be getting to a good place with _____" (fill in the blank; it doesn't much matter what the subject is!), the other shoe drops, as they say. So I'm choosing now. I hope I continue to choose now over never.

Husband made a huge career change and is NAILING IT. I love him so much, it hurts. What an amazing man, to dare to have a different life, and then do it! Getting to walk by his side through life is the best adventure I can think of.

I also made a change in career and am OVERWHELMINGLY glad I did. So, so many good things have come from that switch. I was the proverbial toad in cold water who almost got boiled because the temperature change was so gradual. Thank the Lord that He saw the whole picture and spooned me out of the pot! I picked up a home business in addition to my love-of-music career and am renewing on for another year, thanks to God's blessing and an amazing anonymous donor. When the Lord says he'll provide for you, he means it. He REALLY means it. There have been so many testaments to that over this last year.

Now let's be real about what not self-editing (as much) really means. There may be Posts. Posts you may not like. Posts that might make you think less of me. Posts you may cry over. Posts that use bad words.

In other words, Posts that are REAL. Posts that are ME. Posts that are US.

I'm tired of only writing when I'm happy and things are going well. If you're in my life, you know things get pretty shitty (if I'm using honest words) from time to time. That's life. It happens to us all. One of the things I hate about Facebook and Twitter and other social media are the extremes. Some people display themselves at their most put-together. Flowers and rainbows and ice cream sundaes. All the time. Others constantly bash, vent, and complain. Shit storms every day. All the time.

Both are annoying.

Neither is real.

I hope (HOPE!) to have a balance. I have a wonderful life and I thank GOD for it every day. Through all the things, He is there and constant and whole and dependable and wonderful. He gave me Husband for the hand-holding. Family for pulling out hair and laughing til I cry. Friends to challenge my thoughts. Every good and perfect gift comes from Him (James 1:17). He fills my life with good things (Psalm 103:5).

Love you all,

Bianca