Wouldn't ya know, my prediction came true of my last post! I've offended someone by being real. I didn't even get into the REALLY real stuff yet, that was a just a warning! And it already happened!
I can't say I'm surprised. I used to be the kind of person who lived exactly by the book. Too bad it wasn't by The Book, The Bible. I claimed it was, all the things I did or didn't do that made me feel great about being me. I claimed it was because I was a "Christian" that I didn't smoke, drink, use 'bad' language or sleep around. The truth was that I didn't smoke because I was too young to buy cigarettes and I wanted to be a singer. I didn't drink because I was too young to buy alcohol, none of my friends were drinkers, and when I was old enough, I just didn't like the way it made me feel most of the time. I didn't use bad language because it was something that set me apart from the "rest" of "them", and I loved when people asked me why I didn't because I got to use my Sunday School answer: Jesus! (But it was really: ME!!) I didn't sleep around because I didn't want to get pregnant or a weird disease and later I absolutely LOVED the status of being The Last Virgin most people knew. Are these things good-Christian-girl things to avoid? Absolutely. That was another reason. But the truth is that all things fade. The things I used to value and find value in, I no longer do. I no longer feel like "more" of a Christian because I was a virgin for my husband. I don't feel like "less" of a Christian because I say words that others don't use. In fact, a lot of the time, I don't FEEL like a Christian at all.
Good thing it's not a feeling.
It's God's saving grace. And it's ALSO a good thing that it doesn't depend on anything I do to get it. That's the glory of the gospel. I used to get a real kick out of being an excellent role model and thinking I was doing everything just right. Now, I'd rather people could see me for who I am -
A broken mess of a woman with a few good qualities who absolutely loves The Lord her God with all her heart, soul and mind. A woman who makes mistakes and asks for God's forgiveness and receives it because no sin is too great. A woman who lives out the fact that she's not and never will be perfect, but she doesn't have to be because of the Gospel. A woman who acknowledges that nothing she does or doesn't do will count against her because of the saving blood of Jesus Christ.
There were people back in those days of my doing everything "right" who really hated me. There were people who made my life a living hell making fun of me or watching my every move to see when I'd fall.
When I decided that appearances weren't as important as The Gospel and Christ's grace, there were people who judged me. Who looked down their noses at the reality of 'me' because I didn't live up to what they'd built up about me in their minds. It just proved to me that I can't possibly please everyone. The people who got offended from my last post didn't like my use of language and used it to leverage me out of a position of leadership in the church. But that's okay, because even though I don't agree with them, I've been asking the Lord for direction and knew decision time was coming and it just happened to come down to this. I don't pretend to always make the right decision, or know exactly what to do, I just pray. I pray and pray and pray and God is MERCIFUL to me and sometimes shows me what to do. Or makes it blatantly obvious so that I can't ignore it, like the completely clear direction I got today. He knows I'm dumb; he calls me a sheep and there's no animal dumber out there. He doesn't leave me to the wolves, though. He leads me to the paths of His righteousness and restores my soul, even when I walk away into dangerous places, I don't have to fear. He is with me. (Psalm 23) I'm so thankful for Him and for His guidance. He reveals His will to me in amazing ways.
Sometimes people want you to LOOK like you've got it together. I'm not interested in that. I'm not interested in appearances for appearance's sake. I'm interested in the real. I'm sad that people don't give me that same standard, but for you who read this, don't give up on me just yet. I already told you last time, I'm going to disappoint you. It's not my intention to do so, and I don't do it on purpose, but I know I can't please everyone.
I'm growing and learning, and I'd love to do it along with you.
Love,
Bianca
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